During a hangout with a friend, he asked me to rate my past jobs across three categories: impact (the real-world consequences of my work), remuneration (whether my pay sufficiently met my needs), and work environment (whether I felt respected and valued by colleagues and superiors).
Those questions unearthed a flood of memories—some fond, others less so. We swapped stories about the tradeoffs we’d made, like working at organisations where the mission was palpable but the salary was subpar. I recounted my time at an office filled with jovial, caring colleagues, but run by condescending superiors who would fire people at the drop of a hat. In that role, I was happy with my pay and felt my work mattered, but the lack of stability and worker protections made it an ultimately unsafe environment.
A decade ago, during the startup boom, corporate culture was hype. Companies did the absolute most to attract top talent: tampons in the bathrooms, ping-pong tables, board games, beanbags and sleeping pods in the office. Companies like Google and Facebook competed to see who had the flashiest campus. Then came the resurgence of interest during the Black Lives Matter movement, when companies scrambled to ensure they hired more than the one “token”—usually two or three were enough to plaster their faces across the website—or created “diversity” programs to signal progress.
In Berlin, company culture has been reduced to memes about “fruit in the office,” a monthly transport card (which, by the way, is deducted from the employee’s salary), and a subscription to Urban Sports Club. At a certain income level, individuals can afford their own fruit and gym memberships. These perks are smoke screens likely created to absolve companies from offering substantial benefits, such as ensuring employees feel emotionally safe.
When I speak of emotional safety¹, I mean environments defined by inclusion, belonging, safe communication, trust in leadership, and a genuine valuing of vulnerability. Here’s what this looks like in practice to me.
Inclusion & Belonging
- The Bad: Early in my career, I consulted for a media startup. I was brought in by investors to help cut costs, but when I suggested their value proposition wasn’t as strong as they thought it was, I was dismissed. Because I had only two years of corporate experience, the founders couldn’t see past my youth—even though my demographic was the exact audience they were trying to reach. I spent six months feeling like I was shouting into a void.
- The Good: When I joined my current company, I was open about having a less technical background than many of my colleagues, who had advanced degrees in computer science. Two colleagues in particular tried to bridge the gap by offering their time. I had bi-weekly pairing sessions with one of them, where we practised areas I felt clueless about, while the other kept a weekly calendar slot open for my questions. I could bring my “dumbest” questions and ask them repeatedly without judgment.
Safe Communication
- The Bad: During a heated exchange with a colleague, some regrettable things were said. When a verbal apology wasn’t forthcoming, I requested one in writing, CC’ing their manager. The colleague’s response informed me that their boss was already aware of their actions; when I followed up with that boss, they essentially endorsed the aggressive, inappropriate communication style.
- The Good: As a new hire, I noticed two colleagues met my meeting contributions with condescension, so I stopped speaking up in that circle. A peer in my cohort noticed my silence and pulled me aside for coffee, asking how they could make the space more comfortable for me. While I didn’t take them up on the offer, that one gesture opened the door for a successful collaboration between the two of us outside the wider group.
Trust in Leadership
- The Bad: My team was presenting our progress to the entire organisation. In the middle of the presentation, my boss got up and walked out—with only 5 minutes left in the meeting. To be fair, they likely just needed a bathroom break, but I felt slighted. If leadership demands excellence, they owe us the reciprocity of their undivided attention.
- The Good: When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I didn’t try to carry on as usual. I told my team lead immediately. Every leader I spoke to was supportive, allowing me to create a flexible arrangement that accommodated my family’s needs.
Valued Vulnerability
- The Bad: I once admitted I was new to a topic area and wanted to improve. During a session with a specialist colleague, we ran through the workload, and I left feeling good. Later, during a 1-on-1 with my manager (who had been in that session), I presented a list of courses I wanted to use my learning budget for. They snarkily responded, “Well, you can’t have X doing your work in that area for you, especially if you want to get promoted.” I guess I was supposed to pretend I knew everything and never admit a shortcoming.
- The Good: I once worked at an office with the motto “Fail Fast.” While that can sometimes encourage recklessness, in that specific space, it meant it was okay for an idea to fail as long as the lessons were applied to the next project. That safety net was incredible for my creativity and confidence.
The ‘But This Is How We Do Things Here’ Trap
In some cultures, communication is defined as “direct” or “not sugar-coated.” In others, it’s “fluffy.” A British person might say, “You might want to open that window when you get a chance,” when they actually mean “Open that window right now!”
German work culture is famously “direct,” but I have often seen rudeness or unkindness cloaked in that label. Many expats are shocked by this. I don’t believe a culture that is inherently hurtful—even to those perpetuating the “directness”—is one to be proud of. If you work for a German organisation and you feel emotionally safe, I’d love to buy you a drink and hear how you found that unicorn. Organisations have a key role to play here. Emotional safety isn’t just a “nice-to-have.” Besides, it is in a company’s interest, since feelings of emotional safety directly translate into better employee performance. Beyond the fruit baskets and the gym memberships, what is your company’s duty of care toward you? And equally important: What is your duty of care toward your colleagues?
This has made me think about what I bring to the workplace. Workplaces can bring out the best or worst in us, but as adults, we must hold ourselves accountable. I remember being on a team where a colleague (a cis white man) constantly interrupted me. Rather than initiating a crucial conversation² or practising my non-violent communication³ (NVC) training, I started interrupting him back. The way we communicated left me feeling drained and disoriented. What started as a need to assert myself ran contrary to my own workplace ideals of mutual respect and purpose. I eventually found myself resenting him and dismissing his ideas—a reflection of my own frustration rather than his actual output.
Unless your parents are incredibly wealthy or you die young, we will spend the majority of our lives at work. So, what are we bringing to that space? I’m not talking about the unpaid emotional labour often expected of women and BIPOC employees to keep offices running; I’m talking about the values we hold ourselves to.
For me, my personal North Stars are:
- Generosity of Space: Even when I’m mildly annoyed by someone who talks too much, I strive to offer a space where everyone’s contribution is welcome.
- Listening: Tuning into what is being said—and what is left unsaid—using all my senses.
- Leave No One Behind: Whether you are new to the team or the topic, no question is “stupid.”
- Reliability: If I say I will do something, you can rely on it being done unless I communicate otherwise. Admittedly, very challenging, given the limited amount of working hours and the unlimited tasks demanding our attention.
- Not taking myself too seriously: I’m not a robot. I want to enjoy my time, not simply “be productive.”
These values were forged in the fires of negative experiences. Asking us to examine the values we bring to work is not meant to absolve organisations of their responsibility. I’ve seen time and time again how toxic traits are rewarded, or people are promoted into management without support. I believe leadership roles should mandate anti-bias and decolonial NVC⁴ training. If I were in charge, I’d throw in complimentary therapy⁵ too. We all bring our baggage to work and unintentionally hurt the people we spend the most time with. It’s about time we started taking some accountability for it. I’d be curious to hear what your North Stars are, and how they came to be.
Endnotes
- Emotional Safety vs. Psychological Safety
I use Emotional Safety here because “Psychological Safety”—the term you’ll find in HR handbooks—falls short. While the corporate definition focuses on “risk-taking” and “innovation,” Emotional Safety is about the heart of the matter. It’s the baseline assurance that you won’t be belittled, that your boundaries will be respected, and that your humanity isn’t tied solely to your latest OKR. - Crucial Conversations
A Crucial Conversation is any discussion where the stakes are high, opinions differ, and emotions are running hot. In the workplace, we usually default to “silence” (shutting down) or “violence” (attacking or interrupting). This framework is about finding a third way: creating enough safety so that everyone can contribute to a “pool of shared meaning”. - Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
Developed by Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is a way of speaking that strips away judgment and blame. It’s built on four pillars: observing what’s actually happening, identifying how you feel, recognising the underlying need, and making a clear request. It’s a tool for getting what you need without making someone else the “villain” in the process. - Decolonial Communication
This is the practice of looking at professionalism through a critical lens. So often, what we call “direct” or “professional” is a global minority standard used to silence or exclude people who communicate differently. Decolonial NVC integrates an awareness of power dynamics, systemic oppression, and the specific emotional labour often carried by marginalised groups. - Psychotherapy
We often talk about “bringing your whole self to work,” but we rarely talk about the fact that our “whole self” includes our traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Work is a petri dish for projection and reliving insecurities—suddenly your boss is your neglectful parent and your colleague is an ex. Providing therapy isn’t just a “benefit”; it’s an acknowledgement that we are all carrying baggage. If we’re going to spend 40 hours a week together, we owe it to each other to be doing the internal work. - Emotional Labour
Ifeatu Nnaobi 